Articles Posted in Divorce Advice

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With the advent of laptop computers and the smartphone, you can take your digital life everywhere with ease and convenience. So much can be done on the go with these devises, but there is a downside to the convenience. It seems like every couple weeks you hear a news report about another Hollywood starlet getting her phone or computer hacked. With so much information stored on our smartphones and laptops, learning that someone has accessed your device without your consent can be both scary and infuriating. Everyone expects (or at the very least hopes) that the private information on their computer or smartphone will stay private. But how can you tell if your spouse is spying on your electronic devises, and more importantly how can you protect yourself from being spied on.

There are many reasons your spouse may be spying on your electronic devices. Perhaps your spouse thinks you are having an affair, or secretly hiding money or stealing from a family business. Your spouse may think you are drinking or using drugs and hopes to use this evidence against you in a custody battle. Whatever the reason, there are ways to finds out if your spouse is spying on your electronic devise.

Programs
There are many online applications or antivirus programs that can detect tracking software or key logger programs have been installed on your computer. Many can be downloaded for free off the internet or ordered online for a reasonable price. While not fool-proof, using these programs is a good start and could provide peace of mind that you’re not being tracked or spied on.

Professional
If you have a really strong feeling you’re being spied on, or if one of the programs indicates the possibility of tracking software on your computer, it is best to bring your device to a professional who can inspect the device more closely. These professionals can also take steps to remove any suspicious software on your computer. This is a more costly route, but in the end it is worth the money to know your private life is staying private.

Common Sense
Your intuition and common sense is probably the best indicator of whether you’re being spied on. If your former spouse seems to know things they should not know, or is acting suspiciously around you or your electronic devices, there is a good chance they are up to something, and you should take action.

So what can you do to protect yourself? The following is a non-exhaustive list of suggestions to avoid your electronic devises being compromised:1. Change your password. When you do change your password, choose a strong password that incorporates, number, letters, and symbols so it is more difficult to crack. Do not use your dog’s name or worse the word “password.”

2. Make sure to password protect your phone. It may seem like an inconvenience to have to enter a password every time you open your phone, but with so much information now stored on our phones, this is an absolute must. Any inconvenience is far outweighed by the security a password protected phone provides.

3. Avoid agreeing with Chrome/Firefox/Safari when they ask if you want the browser to remember your password. This is like giving a burglar your key. All he needs to do is wait for you to leave and he can come right in and clean you out.

4. Always logout of programs that contain private information. Again, it may be a minor inconvenience, but it is better than having your privacy compromised.

5. Install a monitoring program to periodically check for tracking software and key logger programs.

None of these suggestions are fool-proof, but they can be helpful in deterring your spouse from spying on your computer or smartphone. If you are in the middle of a divorce, or are considering a divorce, and you believe your spouse may be spying on your electronic devises, it is important to take steps to maintain your privacy and protect yourself.
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For many couples, worrying about who will get custody over the family pet is just as important as worrying about custody of the children. This is because pets are like family for many people. Although pets are treated like personal property under the eyes of the law in California, they shouldn’t be treated like just any other piece of personal property (like a piece of furniture) after the divorce is finalized and custody of the pet is determined. If your divorce results in joint custody of your family pet, it is important that you put the same time and effort into co-parenting your pet as you would for your children.

The first step of co-parenting is to have a clear custody plan in place. If your divorce judgment states that you and your ex shall share joint custody but does not outline a specify custody arrangement, it is important to quickly put one in place. Many of the same principals used for custody/visitation of children can be applied to sharing custody of a pet. If you have children and are sharing joint custody of the children as well, then perhaps the pet can go to the other parent at the same day/time that the children are exchanged. The important thing to remember is that routine and consistency is vital. Just like children, changing a pet’s living situation can cause a lot of stress and trauma to the pet, which can result in an array of behavior issues. Thus, once a custody arrangement is agreed upon, it is important that both “parents” stick to it.In addition to divvying up custody and visitation of your pet, co-parenting requires cooperation in a variety of other aspects: food, grooming, medical care, expenses etc. With regard to the pet’s food, you should work with your ex to choose the same brand of food for each household. As far as grooming, it is suggested that you and your ex decide to keep your pet groomed in a standard way or at least have a selection of acceptable “looks” so that there is less room for conflict when it comes to grooming day.

A big aspect of pet co-parenting is dealing with the sharing of costs related to the pet. Costs may include medical care, daycare, training, toys, travel, or accessories. You should divide the pet related costs into two categories, one for basic costs and another for extraordinary costs. Typically basic costs are covered by the “parent” who has custody of the pet at the time. Bigger purchases for your pet may require a more detailed agreement. For instance, you might want to base the payment division on each parent’s income level, percentage of custody, or simply cap one parent’s contribution and agree that the other parent will cover costs outside that cap.

Another hot topic of pet co-parenting involves medical treatment. First there needs to be an agreement, ahead of time, not only as to who will pay for medical treatment, but how far to go with treatment, compliance with the medication plan, and potential changes in custody/visitation due to the pet’s recovery time. Properly co-parenting your pet can help ensure your animal companion’s happiness and well-being. Although it may be difficult to not always have your pet in your custody, try to remember that your pet will benefit by having the love of both “parents” in its life.
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Here at Bickford Blado & Botros, we do our best to settle family law disputes in an amicable fashion. If the circumstances permit, we work with the parties (and opposing counsel) to help the parties reach a settlement agreement that they are both content with. Consequently, we also help them save time and money by attempting to keep their disputes out of the courtroom. However, sometimes the circumstances of the case require some or all of the issues to be litigated in court. If the case goes to trial, then there is a possibility that the attorney will need to call a witness to testify in court.

Family Code Section 217, specifically states that the court must receive any live, competent, and admissible testimony that is relevant and within the scope of the hearing unless there is a stipulation of the parties or a finding of good cause. Thus, parties who are getting a divorce and litigating their case in court have the right to call a witness to the stand during a trial to provide testimony regarding information that is pertinent to the case.

What is Live Witness Testimony?
A witness is someone who is properly qualified to provide testimony to the court regarding information that is relevant to the issues at hand. The party who called the witness will ask their questions of the witness in what is known as “direct examination.” Then the opposing party will have an opportunity to conduct what is known as “cross examination.”

What is a Subpoena?
If a witness will not voluntarily come to court, then that person can be subpoenaed. In Latin, subpoena means “under penalty”. A subpoena is a court order that gives a person a legal obligation to appear and testify in court.

Are there any Ways to Get Out of Testifying?
If a person receives a subpoena informing him/her that their testimony is requested, then there are only very limited reasons in which that person may be excused from testifying. For instance, a person may be excused from testifying as a witness if he/she is not competent to testify due to age or illness, which prevents him/her from recalling events and truthfully explaining then to the Court. Also, if the witness is one party’s attorney, priest or psychotherapist, he/she may be excused due to the special relationship in which the communication between the witness and party is privileged.

If none of the limited excuses apply to you, you may still be able to request a postponement of your appearance in Court. Such postponements, however, are not often granted and limited to reasons of death or severe illness. If no postponement is granted then you are required to appear on the date and time on your subpoena. If the postponement is granted, then you are obligated to appear on the later date and time issued by the Court.

What are the Penalties for Failing to Testify?
If you were properly subpoenaed and fail to comply with the subpoena to testify as a witness in court, the Judge, at his or her discretion, could find you in contempt of court and you could potentially face jail time and/or hefty fines.
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When a couple decides to get a legal separation or divorce, it doesn’t necessarily mean that one party has to rush to pack up his/her belongings and leave the marital home right away. In fact, the parties can still establish a date of separation even if they are still living under the same roof. However, living together while separated might be a bit tricky and uncomfortable for most couples. There are certain things they should and should not do to make this uncomfortable situation a bit more bearable.

From a legal perspective, the date of separation is the first date when either party subjectively (i.e. mentally) decided that the marriage was over and not salvageable and their overt actions demonstrate that subjective frame of mind. Living separate and apart from your spouse is not required in order to establish a date of separation so long as the at least one spouse has the subjective intent to end the marriage and his/her actions indicate that the marriage is finished. Courts will consider a variety of things to determine the spouse’s intent.

If both parties are staying in the marital home while they are separated and pending resolution of their legal separation or divorce, there is likely going to be a lot of tension. To mitigate the tension, it is recommended that the parties adopt some or all of the following tips:

1. Don’t bring a new girlfriend/boyfriend into the mix. The cause of your divorce or legal separation might be due to your newfound love for another person. There is no need to put salt in the wound. But if you are adamant about dating someone new while still living with your spouse, be discreet about it

2. Create Guidelines for Interaction. If you’re still living with your spouse while separated then you need to discuss items of daily living and interaction. This means that you two need to sit down and discuss how bills will get paid, whether or not you will share groceries, who will clean the house, etc. To the extent possible, many couples choose to just maintain the status quo of how things were handled during the marriage.

3. Consider going to a therapist. Having a neutral third party mental health professional help walk you through the stages of divorce can help you process things both emotionally and logistically.

4. Consider a nesting arrangement. Sometimes the tension and awkwardness is just too much too handle. If so, consider a nesting cutody arrangement as described in my previous blog entitled “Is a Nesting Custody Arrangement Right for Me?”
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Parenting is a challenge no matter how you look at it. Parenting alone, when your spouse is no longer in the picture, is arguably even harder. After a divorce, you will not be able to rely on your ex-spouse’s assistance (assuming you did while married) when your children are in your custody. You will need to develop certain skills to cope with being a single parent, especially if you are the primary custodial parent post-divorce. Learning and applying these skills will take some time but will only serve to benefit both you and your children.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. After a divorce you might feel a liberating sense of independence. But try not to let this newfound independence hinder your ego and keep you from asking for help when you need it. You might think that you have already burdened your family and friends enough when they helped you get through the divorce, but that doesn’t mean that they are done with you. If they stuck by your side through the tumultuous divorce they will most likely continue to stick by your side and support you in your journey as a single parent. So don’t be afraid to ask for that third, fourth or fifth hand when you need it most.

It’s important to develop a support group. You probably already have a support group of close family and friends who helped keep you sane throughout the divorce process. But think about also joining a local group of single parents for some extra support. Other single parents can relate to what you’re going through in a way that your family or friends might not be able to do.Don’t forget to take time for yourself. If you are a single parent, chances are that you are burning the candle at both ends to meet your child’s every need and keep up with daily tasks. Although you’re being a great parent, you’re probably forgetting to take time to focus on yourself. Even if it’s just an hour of quiet reading or a yoga session, give your mind and body a break from parenting every once and a while.

Getting through that first year of single parenting is something to pat yourself on the back for. Hopefully, things will only get easier from here on out. Remember that you are stronger than you think you are.
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Sometimes divorce is mutual and other times it’s completely one-sided. Going into the “divorce talk” with your spouse, you typically know whether it’s going to be a mutual decision or if it’s going to be completely one-sided. But what happens when you know that you want a divorce but your husband/wife does not? Is there anything you can do to make the process less painful for the both of you?

Since it takes two people to get married, it’s a common misconception that it takes two people to get divorced. But the truth of the matter is that getting a divorce can technically be done by just one spouse, even if the other spouse doesn’t want to get divorced. However, if your spouse is opposed to the divorce then there is probably a higher chance that your spouse will want to litigate many issues and drag the divorce out for as long as possible to rack up those attorney fees.

If your spouse is reluctant to get divorced but you know whole heartedly that it’s what you want, there are a few things you can do to mitigate the consequences. First, try to avoid letting your spouse find out about you wanting a divorce from someone else. Be the one to tell him/her directly. Getting divorce papers in the mail or a phone call from another family member or friend will simply fuel the anger and resentment if you haven’t taken the time to prepare your spouse for what is coming. You married your spouse, so even though there may be some legitimate reasons for wanting to divorce him or her, muster up the courage and respect to try and let your spouse down easy.Next, you can suggest to your spouse that the two of you go to counseling together. Having a third party there will help provide a safe environment for discussing the looming divorce. You may also be able to get a better understanding of why your spouse is so opposed to the divorce. Perhaps it is because of a fear of lack of financial stability once the marriage is over. If that is the case, you might consider giving your spouse more assets or conceding during settlement negotiations to pay more support.

In addition to going to counseling together, you can also discuss the possibility of mediation with your spouse. Many divorce attorneys also provide mediation services for spouses looking for a more amicable approach to the divorce process. If your spouse understands that you are willing to move forward with the divorce in a more open and friendly fashion then he/she may be less reluctant about the divorce. The mediator can help you focus on planning for your future rather than fighting about things that have happened in the past.
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A name change is one on the top of the “to do” list when a couple first marries. The new bride will decide whether she would like to keep her maiden name, take her husband’s last name or hyphenate the two. Recently, some grooms have also changed their names upon marriage taking their new bride’s name or even hyphenating their names. Although the groom name change is a new trend on the rise, more often than not, the bride will take some form of her new husband’s name instead. Often at the time of divorce, there are many other stressful and pressing factors to consider besides a name change. In addition, depending on the length of the marriage, it may seem like second nature for the wife to continue using her married name without considering a name change.

If you are going through a divorce it is important to consider whether or not you would like to be restored to your former name prior to finalizing your divorce. If you and your spouse have resolved your divorce by agreement, it is easy to check the name change box on the final forms and/or include the appropriate provisions in the settlement documents. If you and your spouse did not reach an out-of-court settlement and proceed with trial, you can request a name change from the judge at the end of your case. After the divorce process is complete, the procedure for a name change is more difficult. If you are considering a name change during the pendency of your divorce, it is important to discuss that issue with your attorney so that he or she can take the proper steps to ensure the change is included in the final divorce paperwork.If you have already changed your name pursuant to your final divorce judgment, there are still additional steps you must take in order to complete the process and avoid future logistical problems. With a new name, you will need to obtain a new social security card. Your social security number will not change, but your name will appear different on your new card. Procedures for requesting a new social security card are outlined on the Social Security Administration‘s official website. A request for a new social security card can be submitted personally at the nearest Social Security Administration office or by mail.

After you obtain a new social security card, you will need to request a new driver’s license from the California Department of Motor Vehicles. Unfortunately, the DMV requires you to appear in person in order to request a new driver’s license under these circumstances. With a new driver’s license and social security card, you can request a new passport, credit cards, debit cards and update all of your information on other financial accounts.
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If you are going through a divorce then you are likely aware of how impacted the courts are, due to a limited budget, and how long a divorce can be drawn out as a result of court hearings being scheduled months out. Impacted courts are especially a concern for litigants going through a divorce who are dealing with a heavily emotional legal case.
Couples who need the Court’s assistance with getting permanent orders with regard to child custody, division of property, spousal support or other issues related to a divorce, may need another avenue to end their divorce sooner. Privately compensated temporary judges offer just that.

Perhaps the acronym PCTJ has come up in discussions with your attorney or opposing counsel. PCTJ stands for Privately Compensated Temporary Judge. California Rules of Court Rule 2.834, which became effective January 2010, provides parties with the option to opt out of public courts and make use of a privately compensated temporary judge.

A request for the appointment of a privately compensated temporary judge must be directed to and granted by the family court judge. The parties can sign a stipulation agreeing to hire a privately compensated temporary judge, which will then become a court order.

A privately compensated temporary judge has and exercises all powers and duties of a San Diego Superior Court Judge. However, matters that occur before a privately compensated temporary judge are not held at the courthouse. Since the proceedings will be held outside court facilities, typically court personnel may not be used in the proceedings.Hiring a privately compensated temporary judge typically results in a quicker hearing and therefore quicker resolution of the disputed issue(s) in the case. However, hiring a privately compensated judge does involve an additional cost. The parties will not only incur the expenses of their attorney’s fees, filing fees and other costs, but also the cost to hire the privately compensated temporary judge. The parties can agree to split the cost. However, this additional cost must be weighed against the cost of going through the public sector, which may actually rack up more attorney fees as a result of delayed hearings and potentially interrupted trials.
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For many people, their first experience with a courthouse is through a divorce proceeding. Going to court for the first time can be intimating for someone who does not know what to expect. If you have not been inside a courtroom before you likely imagine it is similar to images portrayed on television. In San Diego, the courthouses and courtrooms are vastly different than the courthouses and courtrooms shown on popular T.V. shows. Below is a list of tips to help you become prepared for your first trip to one of San Diego’s family law courthouses.

Parking:
In San Diego County there are six different courthouses that your case can be assigned to. Your case assignment will be based on the zip code of you or your spouse. Some of the courthouses (Vista, South Bay, and East County) have their own parking lots where litigants can park for free. However, these lots may fill up fast so you will want to allow extra time to find parking before your hearing. The three courthouses downtown do not have connecting parking lots and do not reimburse for parking. Litigants can park at a nearby lot (with a cost ranging from $10-$24 dollars for the day) or a metered parking space. Again, it is important to allow for extra time to find parking before your hearing.

Security in the Courthouse:
The San Diego County Sherriff’s Department staffs the security at all of the county’s family law courthouses. When you first enter a family law courthouse you must pass through the metal detectors and place all of your personal belongings on the conveyor belt to be x-rayed. If you want to pass through security without any problems, leave any weapons (including household items that could be used as a weapon) at home or in your car. Depending on the rules at the particular courthouse your case is assigned to, you may be required to remove your jacket and/or your belt before passing through the metal detectors. The security check will take a little time, so you will want to arrive a few minutes early to account for that.

Navigating the Courthouse:
After you make it through security, locate the department that your case is assigned to and wait nearby for the courthouse to open. You can often confirm you are in the right place by reading the signs posted outside of the department. Most courtrooms will post a list of the hearings for each calendar that day. One list might say 9:00 AM and have a list of name and then another might say 1:45 PM and have a different list of names. If you think you are in the right place and your case is not listed on the appropriate list, you should check with a bailiff.

The Courtroom:
Do not be alarmed if you are in the right place at the right time, but the courtroom is locked. It is very common for the courtrooms to open up much later than the time matters are originally set to be heard. When the judge is ready to hear your case, a bailiff will make the announcement that the department is open. Once the announcement is made, file in with the rest of the litigants and check-in with the bailiff. Before the judge takes the bench, the bailiff needs to review the list of hearings and determine which parties are present. If the bailiff has checked your name off the list, take a seat and wait for your matter to be called. While you are in the courtroom make sure that your cell phone is turned off. The courtroom will likely have other rules such as no gum chewing, food, drinks, hats, etc. Family law hearings are public; therefore, you will likely hear other cases go before you and your matter will be heard with the other litigants present in court.
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If you and/or your spouse are contemplating divorce, one of the initial considerations is whether you should file for divorce or wait for your spouse to file first. Specifically, is there an advantage or disadvantage to filing for divorce first? In a typical divorce proceeding, it does not make a big difference whether you are the petitioner (first to file) or respondent in your case. In the court’s view, both parties are on a level playing field. The petitioning party is not penalized for filing first, but he or she is also not rewarded in any way. In addition, the San Diego Superior Court charges the same filing fee ($435) for filing the Petition for Dissolution and the Response to Petition for Dissolution. Combined, the parties will spend $870 just to make their appearances in a divorce proceeding.

There can be a slight advantage to being the first to file for divorce if you and your spouse reside is different zip codes. Your divorce case will be assigned to a particular courthouse based on representations made in the Petition. If you would like your case heard at the courthouse near your home, you should file a Petition before your spouse. If you believe there may be some advantage to you if the case is heard at the courthouse your spouse’s zip code is assigned to, you can file a Petition and have the case assigned to that courthouse. The petitioner will decide which courthouse his or her divorce case is assigned to. Consulting with an experienced family law attorney who has worked in the different courthouses throughout San Diego County can help you make the decision regarding where to file your case.

In a small number of cases, the first party to file can have a significant outcome on the divorce proceedings. If you and your spouse live in different states or even different counties within California, you should consider filing for divorce as soon as possible. When two spouses live in different counties, the responding spouse will be required to travel to a different county to attend court hearings. This has the potential to be an inconvenience and makes communication with a local attorney slightly more difficult. However, if you and your spouse live in different states, you will want to compare the laws of that state to family code statues and cases in California. It is imperative that you consult with a divorce attorney immediately to determine if you could be greatly disadvantaged if your spouse files for divorce out of state.

If you and your spouse share minor child(ren), the jurisdictional issues involved in your case may be even more complicated. Becoming informed of your options is the first step you can take towards protecting your rights.
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