San Diego Divorce Attorneys Blog

The overnight hit television show Glee has become extremely popular with its teenage audience. The show follows a group of fictional high school students as journey through their teenage years. One of the show's attractions is its many singing and dancing numbers performed by the students for their glee class. Glee's most recent episode entitled "Choke" featured a more serious topic, domestic violence. Harsh criticism has followed the show's depiction of this important cause, one critic stated "Choke is a morally reprehensible hour of television, one from which the show many never fully recover." The most common complaint from viewers and supporters of the fight against domestic violence is that the show gave the topic an "insultingly short shrift".

Glee attempted to shed some light on various misconceptions about domestic violence. The victim in this episode is the loveable "Coach Beiste". Beiste is a large and masculine woman who always had trouble finding a date because of her macho nature. She is the coach of the boy's football team for the high school and is often seen lifting weights and screaming at the players. Recently Beiste married Cooter Menkins, a well-liked football recruiter. Regardless of size, shape, appearance or gender any person can be victimized by domestic violence. In fact, because so many instances of domestic violence go unreported, it is difficult to get a clear understanding of what is exactly going on behind closed doors. Throughout the United States only one out of every four incidences of domestic violence get reported.

The episode portrayed one incident in which, out of an alcoholic rage, Cooter punched Coach Beiste and gave her a black eye. Alcoholism, drug abuse and addiction in general are often researched in connection with domestic violence. Although researchers debate the actual percentage of domestic violence incidents, which are fueled by substance abuse, generally many batterers admit they consumed alcohol or abused illegal drugs on the day of the incident.

Like many victims who do not want to disclose incidents of violence, Coach Beiste told her coworkers and students that she got her black eye in the gym from a punching bag. Victims hide their injuries for a number of reasons including, but not limited to fear of the abuser, judgment from friends and family, in efforts to protect their abuser, out of a belief that police and other agencies cannot help them. San Diego offers many resources throughout the community that specialize in helping victims of domestic violence. The San Diego Family Justice Center is a one-stop-shop for all victims regardless of whether they are ready to leave their abuser.

The key to understanding the crime of domestic violence is recognizing that it is a deliberate pattern of abuse that results in a cycle. Throughout the cycle, the couple rotates through many stages and these stages can appear in any order and possibly occur all in one day. Generally in the cycle there is a tension-building stage where the abuser is becoming angry and the victim may feel as if he or she is walking on eggshells in the relationship. Next an incidence of violence including emotional, physical or sexual violence can occur as a result of the mounting tension. Following the violent incident the abuser is likely to apologize and promise it will never happen again or blame the victim for the incident. The next stage typically is called the honeymoon stage or the "making-up" stage where the abuser fulfills most of his or her promises and the victim might believe he or she has changed. The last seen of Glee's Choke episode depicts Beiste returning to her husband after she vowed to leave him. This is not uncommon and a predictable part of the cycle.

Any situation involving domestic violence is dangerous. Please contact us if you have questions regarding the effects of domestic violence on child custody or divorce. Nancy J. Bickford is the only attorney in San Diego County representing clients in divorces, who is a Certified Family Law Specialist (CFLS) and who is actively licensed as a Certified Public Accountant (CPA). Don't settle for less when determining your rights. Call 858-793-8884 in Del Mar, Carmel Valley, North County or San Diego.

One key aspect of a domestic violence relationship is the cycle of power and control. San Diego community service programs such as the San Diego Family Justice Center recognize this cycle of abuse and help victims break through the destructive pattern. One method of control often utilized particularly by domestic violence abusers in San Diego is immigration status. San Diego's location so close to the Mexican-American border is an ideal place for many Mexican immigrants. Further, some immigrants are native Spanish speakers and are unable or struggle to understand and/or speak English. Many abusers exploit this language barrier as a tool to maintain control over their partners. Because immigrants fear deportation and are uninformed regarding various United States' laws and regulations in place to protect them, they feel trapped and continue to remain in abusive relationships.

Domestic violence abusers use one or a variety of methods to use immigration status as a tool to manipulate and control their victims. First, the batterer may promise to file papers to legalize the immigration status of his or her victim. Once the victim believes he or she may have a chance to become a legal citizen, the batterer may fail to file, withdraw or threaten to withdraw the necessary paperwork. The victim's immigration status becomes a weapon used against him or her. Congress passed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) in order to help domestic violence victims through this form of abuse by providing them with a method of gaining citizenship independent of their abuser. Although the act is entitled the Violence Against Women Act, men may also apply for relief under VAWA provided they satisfy the eligibility requirements. Under the act, a victim may apply for permanent-resident status and neutralize the fear of deportation.

Continue reading "Domestic Violence at the Mexican-American Border " »

We have blogged several times about the potential problems that Facebook and other social media sites can have on a divorce. The same potential for problems also applies to the text messages you send. Although it is sometimes difficult to get text messages into evidence (meaning properly in front of a judge), once the text message is in evidence, it could change the outcome of your case!

Unlike Facebook and other social media posts, text messages cannot be deleted or recalled. Any text that you send to your spouse, or even to a third party, can end up being used against you in a divorce. With phones now having up to 64 gigabytes of storage, or more, texts from many years ago could end up being presented as evidence to the judge in your divorce case.

• If you threaten to harm your spouse in a text, that may be the basis for a restraining order, or even criminal prosecution.

• If you call your spouse names in texts, the judge could end up with an unfavorable opinion of you.

• If you say one thing in your declaration (such as, "I do not use drugs") and text something contrary to your spouse or a third party (such as, "I can't believe how stoned I was at the party"), you will ruin your credibility with the judge.

In a recent story on NPR, Ken Altshuler, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, provided the following tips for keeping your texts out of court, upon which I elaborate:

• Do not text your spouse anything that you would not want a judge to see. This also applies to Facebook and other social media posts, messages or comments, emails, and even voice mail messages. It is always best to assume that any text, anything you write or any voice message you leave for your spouse will end up in front of your judge. Some examples of what not to post, blog or text about can be found here.

• If your spouse or former spouse sends you an inappropriate text, do not respond in kind because a judge will see that. The judge usually does not care who started an inappropriate exchange because the exchange is usually just a small part of the bigger picture. In one of my cases after reviewing hateful emails back and forth between the parties, the judge (slightly misquoting Mercutio's famous line from Shakespeare's Romeo and Julie), said "A pox on both your houses." When the other party blurted out, "She started it!" the judge replied, "Sir, two wrongs do not make a right - and your emails back to here were totally inappropriate, no matter who started it."

• Do not send messages that set your spouse up for an inappropriate or angry response. On the other hand, some Judges will look into who started it. You do not want your judge to find that you were the party that started it, or someone who is baiting the other side. This could ruin your credibility with the judge for the rest of your case.

• If you are worked up and want to send your spouse a message, take time to calm down before putting anything in writing. Again, if it is in writing, you must assume that your judge will eventually read it. If you are unsure about a written response to your spouse, send it to your attorney for review before sending it to your spouse.

Always remember, do not text anything to anyone that you would want the family law judge in your case to see or read.

Continue reading "Texting Can have a BIG Impact on your Divorce Case" »

In San Diego County an estimated one out of four children is exposed to domestic violence either as a victim or a witness. According to the San Diego Domestic Violence Council over 500 women and children need to stay in a shelter each day. In a relationship that involves a history of domestic violence, if a partner decides to leave, he or she will have many questions about how that history can impact a child custody case.

Understanding what constitutes domestic violence can be complex. Under California Family Code section 6211, domestic violence is defined as abuse perpetrated against specific categories of family members. Mental health professionals agree that domestic violence is a pattern of behavior characterized by an abusers attempt to control his or her victim through the use of a variety of techniques.

In a case that does not involve domestic violence, the court decides the outcome of a custody case based on the best interest of the child. The court considers a variety of factors such as:

1. The health safety, and welfare of the child
2. Any history of abuse by one parent
3. The nature and amount of contact with both parents
4. Habitual or continual illegal drug or alcohol abuse by either parent

There is a prevalent belief in society that when a couple separates, it is in the best interest of the child to have the most extensive relationship possible with both parents. This assumption is true in a typical separation. However, a separation involving domestic violence is not a typical separation. Family Court judges have many options to consider when deciding which parent, or combination of parents, will make decisions on behalf of a child and take care of that child. If a parent has sole legal custody, he or she has the exclusive right and responsibility to make decisions for the child regarding his or her health, education and welfare. If a parent has sole physical custody, the child will live with that parent subject to the visitation rights of the other. Any joint custody arrangement involves the sharing of these rights and responsibilities.

Continue reading "How Does Domestic Violence Impact Custody Cases in San Diego?" »

More than 5,000 phone calls of domestic violence are reported to the domestic violence hotline in San Diego County per year. It is a serious problem that has life threatening consequences. It is estimated that there are thousands of domestic violence incidents that go unreported in San Diego alone. There are many different forms of domestic violence that go unreported because victims don't realize they qualify for a domestic violence restraining order.

A restraining order is an order made by the Family Court to protect victims, children and families from abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, sexual), threats of abuse, stalking and harassment. The abuse can be spoken, written or physical. In order to qualify for a domestic violence restraining order you must have a "relationship" with the abuser. You qualify if you are married, divorced, separated, registered domestic partners, have children together, are dating or used to date, living together or used to live together with the abuser.

You may qualify if you have experienced any of the following types of abuse:

* Emotional - verbal abuse, isolation from friends and family, humiliation
* Psychological - threats, stalking, intimidation by fear or force, harassment
* Economic - not allowing you to have transportation, work, credit or insurance
* Legal threats - false accusations, deportation, reporting crime or calling police
* Physical - scratching, hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, spiting, use of weapons
* Sexual - coerced sex, physical force, threats, making you watch pornography

The first step is filing for a temporary restraining order which usually takes less than 24 hours to get from the Judge. If a temporary restraining order is granted, you and your family will be protected until the hearing for a permanent restraining order which is usually set for three weeks from when the temporary order was issued. Things you may ask for in the temporary restraining order include: child custody, child support, spousal support, for the abuser to move out of your home and turn over all guns/weapons to the authorities, to have no contact with you or your children, rights to property, right to record future communications, and for the abuser to complete a Batter's Intervention Program.

Once you attend the hearing for a permanent restraining order, the Judge can issue an order that lasts anywhere from 6 months to 5 years. This is the opportunity for you to get out of the situation and start over. ANY contact with you during the time you have a restraining order is a violation of court order and is taken very seriously. If the abuser tries to contact you, you call the police and tell them you have a restraining order and they will take care of it. Phone calls, texts, e-mails, drive-bys, showing up anywhere you are or contacting your family are all violations of the restraining order. Sending you flowers at work or mailing you an apology letter are also violations of the restraining order. An abuser may be arrested for multiple violations.

It is important to get help right away and to record all communications or physical evidence of abuse. One thing to consider is developing a personal safety plan. This way you can be prepared for a dangerous situation if it arises in the future. There are several things you can do to ensure your safety. For example, identify a friend or family member that you can call or stay with should the abuser violate the restraining order. Inform employers, co-workers, neighbors and your children's teachers that you have a restraining order in case the abuser shows up where you are. Also, consider putting together a bag of things you would need in case of an emergency such as money, extra clothes, address book, passport and a copy of the restraining order. Keep it in a safe place where you can easily access it quickly. If possible, consider moving from your residence or changing your locks and phone number to make it harder for the abuser to locate you. Also, make multiple copies of the restraining order, so you have a copy in your car, at your work, and other places you might be.

Please don't hesitate; this could save your life. Contact the Law Offices of Nancy J. Bickford to help you get a fresh start today. Call (858) 793-8884 to make an appointment with a Certified Family Law Specialist.

This month's edition of Rolling Stone magazine features a cover story on R&B singer Rihanna, in which she opens up about why she agreed to a modification of her restraining order against ex-boyfriend and fellow R&B singer, Chris Brown. The restraining order stems from an assault that occurred on the then couple's way to the 2009 Grammy Awards.

Discussing her decision, Rihanna explained:

"It doesn't mean we're gonna make up, or even talk again. It just means I didn't want to object to the judge."

She continued:

"We don't have to talk ever again in my life."

"I just didn't want to make it more difficult for him professionally."

"What he did was a personal thing -- it had nothing to do with his career."

"Saying he has to be a hundred feet away from me, he can't perform at awards shows -- that definitely made it difficult for him."

According to US Weekly.com, the original restraining order required that Brown stay 50 yards from Rihanna, unless they were both attending an "industry event", in which case Brown was permitted to be within 10 yards of Rihanna. The modified restraining order now permits Brown to have contact with Rihanna, provided he does not harass, annoy or molest her.

Although in this case the restraining order was issued as part of a criminal case, Rihanna could have pursued a restraining order in family court as well. The Domestic Violence Prevention Act authorizes the family court to issue a restraining order for certain acts of abuse perpetrated against certain individuals with whom the respondent has a domestic relationship. Those relationships include, among others, a spouse, a cohabitant or former cohabitant, and a person with whom the respondent is having or has had a dating or engagement relationship (as was the case with Rihanna and Brown).

Importantly, the remedies provided in the DVPA are not exclusive, meaning that they are in addition to any other civil or criminal remedies that may be available such as a criminal complaint or a civil tort action. Thus, had Rihanna pursued a restraining order in family court, it would not have precluded the filing of the criminal complaint against Brown.